#110: fabis, firkins & thottis
lunch at totti's
anyway, welcome back (okay, presumptuous of me!!!) to sent from my iphone with love <3
mia code switching for tottis with her firkin and fabis
come dine with me
the totti’s empire began back in 2018, opening at the royal in bondi, with subsequent expansion to the ivy precinct on george st. next they opened in rozelle, satiating the inner west’s wealthy, before moving south to lorne, inviting victorians to get in on the small plate action.
the italian chain, arguably the jewel of australian hospitality giant, merivale’s, crown, has thusly been a staple for marketing lunches, instagram story flat lays and white linen wearers across the east coast for the past 7 years.
all this is to say, when i received a $100 merivale gift voucher for chrissy, i knew what had to be done.
i had questions that needed answers; for totti’s, so often being the butt of the joke, is it actually good? how many vloggers would i see? what is the best instagram filter to use whilst photographing flaccid anchovies or a bouquet of mortadella?
‘twas a miserable wednesday, the rumours of a late la niña seeming like rumour no longer as i swam the 10 minutes from martin place to bar totti’s, where my sous journalist, mia, had booked us in for a chic late lunch.
the weather was so torrential that it was not a far leap to see us as two weary travellers, seeking shelter, comfort and warmth (we had watched nosferatu two nights previously). instead of a busty bar wench, we were greeted with a twinky south american maitre d, who made us wait in the downpour whilst he played minesweeper on his computer to affect importance.
seated, our neighbours were two women detailing their parent’s divorce and how it affected their childhood whilst opposite us a food vlogger suckled on pickled octopus tentacles.
we opted for small plates and negronis and were giddy off the idea that we were actually at totti’s for lunch, ha ha ha. the food came quickly, though not quickly enough for mia to not consider swiping the half eaten tiramisu from the abandoned table next door, and we donned our metaphorical bibs and tucked in.
eyeing up, and said tiramisu
the coquettish ribbons of prosciutto were gorgeous. the sandy liang of the butchering, mia said.
this is where it went downhill. we cut up the food in small portions and we placed it in our mouths and we chewed and we looked around politely and we chatted and we sipped our drinks and we looked at each other and we said, my god, is this all just supremely average? is this what all the pr girls are talking about?
let me talk you through our table.
idk why these photos are so bad lmao i feel like a boomer
i can’t bitch about the burrata, it was just a lump of burrata hanging out in a bath of green olive oil- perfectly serviceable, good even, just nothing to write home about. the kingfish crudo was beautiful yet flavourless, the quiet, pretty girl of the meal. almost like eating unflavoured turkish delight. missable.
i had thought the mushrooms would be some kind of exotic variety- enoki or oyster or perhaps even porcini, but they were button. the kind you find at a buffet, soggy and ignored at the bottom of a bain-marie, tasting only of old oil, holding an uncanny resemblance to the scat of some mid size marsupial. the eggplant felt like chinese noodle house had gone to italy on exchange and returned a worse version of itself.
as for the fries, (which were momentarily forgotten, forcing me to perform the humiliation ritual of following up on my fries at totti’s), they were the star of the show. paprikaed, crispy, hot, fresh. it is a cruelty to spend upwards of $200 on lunch, only to find the fries are the best bit.
i was disappointed. i had thought that because totti’s was so basic that it would be fabulous. but, after conducting some field research, it turns out i am an ill informed optimist. everyone had known totti’s is just straight up bad all along. the shocking reveal of midness- the crescendo of my tale, was met time and time again with a series of embarrassingly deadpan “well… yeah”s.
i had a good look in the mirror. was i out of touch? is it possible that everyone with blonde highlights could be so wrong? that i might not agree with the taste of every gileted finance diva?
the spell was broken - totti’s is fratelli fresh in bec and bridge.
we shan’t be returning, but don’t be fooled- we had a great time.
mwa!