#95: spring edition redbull, dembow & ethiopia
sent from randon's iphone with love
Hi my name is Randon Rosenbohm. I’m a professional astrologer and an artist/writer. I have a Substack
and a studio practice in Berlin. I am currently working on a new mixed media series and my summer goal is to finally make a movie with Rhys, which has become an inside joke at this point. Hopefully it’s not just a dream!I’m self-employed rn. Babysitting, doing astrology consultations, and selling some clothes. I wrote weekly horoscopes for Vice for 6 years. A fresh visa is on its way, so hire me!
little miss visa’d and employable!
this is the online bit:
Reading people’s stupid posts in a condescending little voice
This one straddles the world between online and off. When I see something so outrageously dumb, something that infuriates me to my very core, I am moved to parrot it back out loud, mockingly, in the worst voice I can muster. It really helps to ground me in my body and remind me of what I’m put on earth to do. That is, to laugh at everything. Feel free to read any of these sentences in a high pitched squawk while making a stank face. Few things are sacred and I deserve to be humbled as much as anyone else does.
That one minimalistic Bladee interview
Where all of his answers are just like “God” and then he’s like “Babylon ya done!” I see u twin. Can’t believe he also wears white Reebok classics, since those are the sneakers I most recently wore. I had them in storage for a while though. I thought I was going to sell them because they pull my socks down and are uncomfortable. But now they’re like new.
I really thought I saw Bladee at the Dykonic’s FLINTA slime wrestling event but my friend was like, “that was just a dyke, babes.” Probably true I do tend to hallucinate— I swear I saw Caroline Polachek at Fandango on Easter Sunday, which seems less likely than a Swedish (?) rapper at an event in a posh area of Berlin. “Caroline” was doing abstract contemporary dance performances wherever I saw her. It was so high brow that it had to be Caroline Polachek. She pretended to faint in the crowded mosh pit at one point during Roza Terenzi’s set. It was a missed connection, whoever she was.
But I know I was not hallucinating when I saw a cis guy wrestle against my very strong and athletic friend who otherwise would have been the slime wrestling champion. During their match the crowd stopped cheering and we were all uncomfortable watching this man wrestling our friend at a “FLINTA” event. I got the pressing sense this straight guy said he was non-binary just so he could prove a reactionary Joe Rogan brained point. We get it you are total spoilsport. He did not kill our vibe, the high from watching FLINTA slime wrestling lasted a few days, but I’m still processing, obviously.
Dembow
I love Dembow especially bc I don’t speak Spanish. If I was a DJ I would mix this w gabber. El Alfa has the voice of an angel. When I die I want God to greet me at the gates of paradise in El Alfa’s voice before playing my life in reverse like recalling a dream.
When I lived in a convent last spring one of my roommates was a girl my age from Cuba and we couldn’t really communicate, but we bonded over Dembow. I don’t want to tell on her but she always posts videos of herself twerking in her convent dorm. One time she was streaming in the kitchen filming her back with a ring light and a waist trainer, chopping veg, ignoring her audience.
this is the offline bit:
Women’s Fitness Studios
My dream was to study Classics at Barnard (women’s college) but my hater teenage boyfriend and dad didn’t let me apply. I almost failed gym twice because I didn’t want boys to look at me while I ran. Now I get the Andrea Dworkin experience at the women’s gym, where I excel at athletic performance.
There are signs posted up to notify us as to when a man will be entering the space. I once heard a deep voice and jumped out of my skin. There’s always a token man at every women’s gym. Anyway, I love to see a girl lazily craned over her phone on a pink hip abductor machine.
Last week when the butch Italian spin instructor invited us for Sunday brunch, I was like, have I made it to the apex of the women’s gym experience? Soul Cycle has nothing on this spin class. All of these older women sweaty and totally comfortable in their bodies, groaning to an algorithmically selected playlist of TikTok’s greatest hits, plus Scooter. It’s like Berghain for moms.
Spring Edition Red Bull
Nothing makes me feel more ashamed of myself than being obsessed with a consumer product. But it’s pink, berry flavored, and calorie free. I lose my mind when I see it. A humbling experience for a so-called free thinker. Today I packed a lunchbox with a single pink Spring Edition Red Bull and an ice pack inside. It was ready for me to crack open after I aced my German exam. The can is so oblong. What a skinny, bitchy shape. I would wear Red Bull perfume. I would name my daughter Red Bull Rosenbohm.
Ethiopia
Ethiopia is my favorite country. It’s got Orthodox Christianity, resistance to colonization, “Ethiopian jazz”, coffee ceremonies, Aramaic (Jesus’s mother tongue), and more. If I could truly “go Rimbaud” (as Patti Smith instructed us) I would have just moved there as a teenager instead of New York. Love that Rimbaud just ran off to Ethiopia. I would simply die at Dallol. I just know The Arc of the Covenant is inside of one of those stone churches. First I’ll touch the original Ten Commandments then I’ll go die at the volcano lake. It’s my ultimate pilgrimage destination. Maybe I’ll try a Fulbright. Maybe I’ll walk!
bisous xxxxx